I just read an article by a vedic astrologer that said it is most important to be in service to one’s parents first and then to one’s guru. What if your parents are abusive, alcoholic, absent or with whom you have no communication? What if you were at the time of your birth, stuck in the womb for days, fearful to come out knowing that you were about to spring forth into the ‘wrong’ family? What if you have neither hate nor love for your parents but accept that your life is yours and that life was given to you by a certain arrangement, i.e. biological conception between two people that do not actually care for each other, and your own need for embodiment? What kind of ’service’/puja does one do?
–from California, USA

Before I talk about families, I want to discuss ancestors. Ancestors are people to whom we are immediately, biologically related and who have died. Traditionally, when we work with our ancestors in a conscious way through ritual and prayer, we are including seven generations of ancestors. As spiritual practitioners, we also consciously relate to Gurus from past lives and wisdom beings who are our spiritual ancestors.

The presence of ancestors is real and infinitely nuanced for millions of people all over the world. Here in the West, many of us aren’t really sure what ancestors are or why they are important. We may remember a grandparent or an aunt with great fondness, or with more conflicted emotions. We may, if we are a little more open, feel the presence of a deceased relative or two. But we generally have a hard time connecting with the living reality of our continuity in time with our ancestors.

In order to better understand and develop a beneficial relationship to our ancestors, we should remember the three gates of human life: body, energy and mind. These are the fundamental ways that consciousness (Shiva) and primordial Shakti show up in a human being.

Body, energy body, and our minds (another expression of energy) are all conditioned. This means we are having an experience of limitation. Our bodies, energy bodies and minds have individualized styles. The beauty of the world is that, through investigating and working with our limitations expressed through the three gates, we have the possibility to discover Reality in its fullness and embody that. This is the process of Self-realization.

Our first relationship with our ancestors is through our very bodies, energy and minds. In one, absolutely literal sense, our ancestors are living as us.

Also crucial to begin to consider and investigate is that we are all just patterned consciousness and energy. The patterns that expressed our ancestors do not go away just because physical bodies have gone back to the elements. The strongest patterns, the strongest karmas, are living simultaneously with us in time.

Say, for instance, you have an ancestor who had the usual collection of human expressions–some “problems” and some capacities. But if this ancestor was, despite everything, exceedingly kind, then this stronger pattern of kindness will stick around more strongly and be beneficial to you. You can be concretely helped by this in your present life.

On the other hand, we all have some patterns we are related to that are stuck in compulsion mode: compulsive anger, grief, hunger and so on. These are also very strong patterns. We can feel them in our three gates, and sometimes we can sense these influences in other ways.

It is important not to feel afraid or to demonize our ancestors. They are just another aspect of our total karma. They are ourselves. As a practitioner, you have a special responsibility to help your ancestors by showing yourself, them, and others kindness.

Kindness is the universal medicine that will free you and your ancestors from their fixations.

This is the key. You and your ancestral patterns are one package in time. By freeing yourself, you also relax those karmas for your entire ancestral line. Every time you relax and are able to express kindness toward yourself, your ancestors and others, you create greater freedom for all. In this way, by doing your practice and discovering real kindness, pernicious influences become helpful influences.

Having come in contact with the teachings, having established a practice, and now understanding more about your ancestors, it is actually your responsibility to assist by developing your own freedom and ability to express spontaneous kindness.

In terms of our immediate families, they are not yet ancestors. It is not useful or helpful to maintain a bhava (attitude) of separation from our families. In other words, to maintain that one is born into the “wrong” family. Whatever family you have been born into, you can count on the fact that something in this total situation is expressive of your karma and also gives you the opportunity, however painful, to move in the direction of Self-realization. Whether or not you choose to do that in this lifetime is another question.

Working with our family karma does not necessarily mean being in literal contact with our birth families. There are infinite ways and means. However it does mean recognizing the fundamental fact of the communicativeness of all life. That we are born into a certain family is communication. We must learn to listen to and respond appropriately to that.

At the same time, inevitably during some lifetime, you will discover ekarasa, the one taste of all life. You will discover universal compassion. At this point, you will be separate from no one. Every person will be your family. Every person will be a beloved aspect of your own body, your own Self. Birth families will hold no special place.

Those who take sannyas vows, or householders who are inner renunciates, are expressing their determination to discover ekarasa. This is why traditionally, sannyasins and sadhus leave their families. Householder inner renunciates often have families, but their home life has been “brought onto the path.” In other words, family becomes sadhana.

It is important to be real and not renounce one’s family under the guise of being a spiritual practitioner when one is actually feeling anger and grief. The discovery of ekarasa is a natural development. You’ll recognize it when you get there.

In the meantime, as a conscious practitioner, work with your ancestors by doing daily ancestor puja, remembering your ancestors with kindness and doing your practice so that kindness can fully flower.

In terms of service to parents versus service to Guru, it is said that your birth mother is your first Guru. Remember that for many Indians, a Guru is a family advisor and family is the primary focus. However, if you are devoting your life to conscious Self-realization, then Guru is your primary relationship.

In Ma’s love,
Shambhavi